Sunday, August 30, 2009

A Home Run Day!

There is lots happening in our household . . . and I feel as though I can see a light at the end of the dark tunnel I have been travelling. This past week A was off work and we spent some quality family time together. Today we surprised the boys with their first ever baseball game. We went across the river to Detroit to watch a Tigers game. It was everything I could have wished for the boys as their introduction to baseball. The outdoor stadium, the junk food (I was aghast when I realized neither of my boys knew what Crackerjacks were!) and all the noise.

On the way over J expressed an intense wish he had - that we would do the wave. He got his wish!

C wanted to catch a fly ball - one came very close but no luck today. He handled the disappointment like a champ (NEVER would have been able to say that a year or two ago).

All in all an awesome day to round out an amazing week for our family.

Friday, August 07, 2009

I think it's obvious from my past few posts that I am not in a very "hopeful" place in my life right now. I am usually a very positive person. My friends laugh because I am always putting a positive spin on things. Being at home with the boys this week, no job to run off to, I am trying very hard to just relax and enjoy the beautiful summer weather and my family.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Laying It All on the Line

Yesterday was my first official day of being a stay at home mom. You know what I did?

At 1:00 I drove down the street to my old work (yes, I left a job last year that was just down the street) and I met with a Social Worker about our youngest. I parked my composure at the door and sat in her office and put it all on the line. My worries for J, what I think he and our family needs, the stress our family has been under. It was better, and at the same time, far worse than I ever thought it would be. There was an element of relief in finally giving voice to my mostly silent worries about J and his struggles. I could tell that she really got what I was trying to say. At one point I said to her, this person who used to be a co-worker but whom I really never knew, "It might not look like it. But I am this close . . ." as I held up two fingers barely apart ". . . to having a nervous breakdown. In fact, I might actually be having one. You need to know that - because I am not always acting like myself". Seriously?? Did I really say that? Sadly - yes I did.

Then I beat a hasty retreat, got in the car and drove to my doctors office. Where, uncharacteristically so, I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room. Tears - from nowhere - streaming down my face. I pulled myself together by the time I got called. As soon as my doctor walked in and I opened my mouth to talk I started to cry - actually, I sobbed. Poor man looked like a deer in headlights. But he sat down on the stool - which he never does - which made me cry harder - and he waited patiently as I tried to paint a picture of what has been happening. I had planned to beg for anxiety meds. He and I have had discussions before about my anxiety and depression - but I always downplayed it and we always agreed that the medications I need for my migraines trumps the antianxiety/antidepressants that cannot be taken in conjunction with the migraine meds. This time I had hoped he would pull some med out of his blackberry that I miraculously could take. In the end, he laid out the options in a very understanding and compassionate way and I walked out with nothing more than a note to be off work and very puffy eyes.

I drove home shaking and exhausted. Relieved in some ways to have the day over . . yet agonizing because in the end . . . although I was exhausted . . . my world was pretty much the same as it was when I left the house hours before.