Friday, July 31, 2009

It's All In the Eyes

My husband told me recently, not in an unkind way, that I truly have a hard time being content. I am either manically happy or desperately unhappy. He would love for me to just be at peace and be content with who I am and where I am and everyone around me. He would like for me to be present in the moment rather than wrapped in worries and thoughts. He is hoping that my time at home will help me to somehow find that peace.

So am I.

I do not disagree with him. I carry around a deep pit of anxiety with me every waking hour. I am more than ready to offer up the anxiety, uncertainty - this feeling of, well, dread that hits me full force every morning when I find myself fully awake. If I knew how to release it, to do an exorcism and rid my life of it once and for all, I would.

My youngest looked at me the other day and said "Mommy . . . what's wrong with your eyes?". I looked at him, curious and unsure "What do you mean?" I said.

He put his hand on my cheek and he said "Your eyes are so sad, even when your mouth is smiling".

Monday, July 27, 2009

We just can't

"Hi, this is Anita at the Y"

"Hi Anita, what's going on with C?"

"Well - he's having a hard time and he put his hands on another kid and he's swearing"

"MMMMM - yeah - sounds like not a great start"

"No, he, uh, well, we can't have him doing that"

"I know - hands off policy and all that. So what do you want me to do?"

"Uh, well, we just can't have him swearing and choking people"

"Oh, believe me Anita - I get that. Do you want me to come pick him up?"

"Uh, well . . . . "

"Ok, I'm on my way"

I pull up to the school they are at for part of the day. There is C hanging out playing 4 square calmly with others. When he sees me he yells "I'm not going home" and hides behind a kid (whom later proclaims to be his best friend, the very reason C was apparently able to calm down because "Rizzo" asked him to)

I approach the counsellors. It quickly starts to become clear - I wrote "don't put him in the middle of a line of kids, keep him at front or back" - what did they do??? You got it.

I wrote, even when he is managing himself fine and you wonder "why did his mom send a worker with him" - that does not mean his worker should be sent to do something else, he WILL fall apart. Guess who they decided to make the gopher to take kids to the bathroom inside and up two flights of stairs??? You got it.

I wrote, he tires easily and needs reminders to drink often. Who hadn't touched any of his drinks 4 hours into the day and hadn't sat down to rest for even a minute??? You got it.


The good part - by the time I got there he had calmed down, shown remorse and made a friend. He begged to stay and all the counsellors convinced me that they could see the errors of their ways and had plans to make things work smoother. Luckily we are footing the bill to send his in home worker with him and she happens to be my goddaughter (read: half worker/half informant). I know at times she felt overwhelmed and helpless but she did an amazing job.

He made it through the day with no more major incidents.

I gave the counsellors permission to inform any concerned parents that the kid who shot their kid the bird and yelled MOTHER F*&^%$ at them has Tourette's and Autism. What else could I say? They seemed relieved at the idea - I don't think it had sunk in that just maybe in the heat of the moment he just wasn't able to actually control the words coming out of his mouth. When he told me he wasn't "going home" it was actually more colourful than that - then his face blanched and he turned and purposefully banged his head off the pole REALLY hard - that's how distraught he was that he had swore again.

Tomorrow is another day.