Friday, July 31, 2009

It's All In the Eyes

My husband told me recently, not in an unkind way, that I truly have a hard time being content. I am either manically happy or desperately unhappy. He would love for me to just be at peace and be content with who I am and where I am and everyone around me. He would like for me to be present in the moment rather than wrapped in worries and thoughts. He is hoping that my time at home will help me to somehow find that peace.

So am I.

I do not disagree with him. I carry around a deep pit of anxiety with me every waking hour. I am more than ready to offer up the anxiety, uncertainty - this feeling of, well, dread that hits me full force every morning when I find myself fully awake. If I knew how to release it, to do an exorcism and rid my life of it once and for all, I would.

My youngest looked at me the other day and said "Mommy . . . what's wrong with your eyes?". I looked at him, curious and unsure "What do you mean?" I said.

He put his hand on my cheek and he said "Your eyes are so sad, even when your mouth is smiling".


  1. *hugs* I have had my son make a similar comment before. It was a real eye opener. I hope you can release the dread one day, somehow.

  2. I, too, wake with the dread on many days. Not all days, but a few. I dread the yelling, the screaming, the fighting that my two eldest go through (at 3 and 5 years of age!). I look forward to the peace, and often want to escape into a book.

    It does help to be outside with them, to breath the fresh air and move about. It also helps that my eldest is in SK and at least at school for two or three days a week.

    Anxiety is always with me, whether I'm at home (anxious about the next meal, the next trip out ...) or out (anxious we get the right stuff, anxious to get back home, anxious that they behave okay [ which they always do ] ).

    Some days will be better, some days won't. It's the better days that we have to strive for.

    My kids have handed me a Kleenex without me asking, on the days that are the hardest. I don't think it's depression. I think it's just that mom's are pulled in so many directions that they don't feel connected to themselves.

    Best of luck to you,