How Can it Be?

My Sweet Boy - How can it possibly be that you have gone from this




to this



in the blink of an eye? Where is the boy who yelled "Don't go be-bout me" when I was heading out the door? The boy who used to fit easily into my lap, used a booster seat and would sing and talk himself to sleep at night?

You, my sweet 11 year old boy, have changed my world so completely. Being your mom is all at once the hardest and the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. I am so proud of the young man you are becoming - but remember you will always be my little man. Even though you did not grow inside me - I know I was meant to be your mom. I am so blessed to call you my son.

Happy 11th Birthday
Love
Mom

A Home Run Day!

There is lots happening in our household . . . and I feel as though I can see a light at the end of the dark tunnel I have been travelling. This past week A was off work and we spent some quality family time together. Today we surprised the boys with their first ever baseball game. We went across the river to Detroit to watch a Tigers game. It was everything I could have wished for the boys as their introduction to baseball. The outdoor stadium, the junk food (I was aghast when I realized neither of my boys knew what Crackerjacks were!) and all the noise.



On the way over J expressed an intense wish he had - that we would do the wave. He got his wish!



C wanted to catch a fly ball - one came very close but no luck today. He handled the disappointment like a champ (NEVER would have been able to say that a year or two ago).

All in all an awesome day to round out an amazing week for our family.

I think it's obvious from my past few posts that I am not in a very "hopeful" place in my life right now. I am usually a very positive person. My friends laugh because I am always putting a positive spin on things. Being at home with the boys this week, no job to run off to, I am trying very hard to just relax and enjoy the beautiful summer weather and my family.

Laying It All on the Line

Yesterday was my first official day of being a stay at home mom. You know what I did?

At 1:00 I drove down the street to my old work (yes, I left a job last year that was just down the street) and I met with a Social Worker about our youngest. I parked my composure at the door and sat in her office and put it all on the line. My worries for J, what I think he and our family needs, the stress our family has been under. It was better, and at the same time, far worse than I ever thought it would be. There was an element of relief in finally giving voice to my mostly silent worries about J and his struggles. I could tell that she really got what I was trying to say. At one point I said to her, this person who used to be a co-worker but whom I really never knew, "It might not look like it. But I am this close . . ." as I held up two fingers barely apart ". . . to having a nervous breakdown. In fact, I might actually be having one. You need to know that - because I am not always acting like myself". Seriously?? Did I really say that? Sadly - yes I did.

Then I beat a hasty retreat, got in the car and drove to my doctors office. Where, uncharacteristically so, I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room. Tears - from nowhere - streaming down my face. I pulled myself together by the time I got called. As soon as my doctor walked in and I opened my mouth to talk I started to cry - actually, I sobbed. Poor man looked like a deer in headlights. But he sat down on the stool - which he never does - which made me cry harder - and he waited patiently as I tried to paint a picture of what has been happening. I had planned to beg for anxiety meds. He and I have had discussions before about my anxiety and depression - but I always downplayed it and we always agreed that the medications I need for my migraines trumps the antianxiety/antidepressants that cannot be taken in conjunction with the migraine meds. This time I had hoped he would pull some med out of his blackberry that I miraculously could take. In the end, he laid out the options in a very understanding and compassionate way and I walked out with nothing more than a note to be off work and very puffy eyes.

I drove home shaking and exhausted. Relieved in some ways to have the day over . . yet agonizing because in the end . . . although I was exhausted . . . my world was pretty much the same as it was when I left the house hours before.

It's All In the Eyes

My husband told me recently, not in an unkind way, that I truly have a hard time being content. I am either manically happy or desperately unhappy. He would love for me to just be at peace and be content with who I am and where I am and everyone around me. He would like for me to be present in the moment rather than wrapped in worries and thoughts. He is hoping that my time at home will help me to somehow find that peace.

So am I.

I do not disagree with him. I carry around a deep pit of anxiety with me every waking hour. I am more than ready to offer up the anxiety, uncertainty - this feeling of, well, dread that hits me full force every morning when I find myself fully awake. If I knew how to release it, to do an exorcism and rid my life of it once and for all, I would.

My youngest looked at me the other day and said "Mommy . . . what's wrong with your eyes?". I looked at him, curious and unsure "What do you mean?" I said.

He put his hand on my cheek and he said "Your eyes are so sad, even when your mouth is smiling".

We just can't

"Hi, this is Anita at the Y"

"Hi Anita, what's going on with C?"

"Well - he's having a hard time and he put his hands on another kid and he's swearing"

"MMMMM - yeah - sounds like not a great start"

"No, he, uh, well, we can't have him doing that"

"I know - hands off policy and all that. So what do you want me to do?"

"Uh, well, we just can't have him swearing and choking people"

"Oh, believe me Anita - I get that. Do you want me to come pick him up?"

"Uh, well . . . . "

"Ok, I'm on my way"


I pull up to the school they are at for part of the day. There is C hanging out playing 4 square calmly with others. When he sees me he yells "I'm not going home" and hides behind a kid (whom later proclaims to be his best friend, the very reason C was apparently able to calm down because "Rizzo" asked him to)

I approach the counsellors. It quickly starts to become clear - I wrote "don't put him in the middle of a line of kids, keep him at front or back" - what did they do??? You got it.

I wrote, even when he is managing himself fine and you wonder "why did his mom send a worker with him" - that does not mean his worker should be sent to do something else, he WILL fall apart. Guess who they decided to make the gopher to take kids to the bathroom inside and up two flights of stairs??? You got it.

I wrote, he tires easily and needs reminders to drink often. Who hadn't touched any of his drinks 4 hours into the day and hadn't sat down to rest for even a minute??? You got it.

SIGH SIGH SIGH

The good part - by the time I got there he had calmed down, shown remorse and made a friend. He begged to stay and all the counsellors convinced me that they could see the errors of their ways and had plans to make things work smoother. Luckily we are footing the bill to send his in home worker with him and she happens to be my goddaughter (read: half worker/half informant). I know at times she felt overwhelmed and helpless but she did an amazing job.

He made it through the day with no more major incidents.

I gave the counsellors permission to inform any concerned parents that the kid who shot their kid the bird and yelled MOTHER F*&^%$ at them has Tourette's and Autism. What else could I say? They seemed relieved at the idea - I don't think it had sunk in that just maybe in the heat of the moment he just wasn't able to actually control the words coming out of his mouth. When he told me he wasn't "going home" it was actually more colourful than that - then his face blanched and he turned and purposefully banged his head off the pole REALLY hard - that's how distraught he was that he had swore again.

Tomorrow is another day.

Sigh

Scheduled Breakdown

I have been hiding

From my family, friends - the world.

It is all so hard

I am so tired

So I have scheduled a breakdown and have re-entered therapy

I have not bought end of year presents or even cards for school

I am quitting my job

It is all way too much

. . . and yet . . .

It feels like a new beginning

I know we will all be ok

Better than ok

The best is yet to come

Stay tuned . . .