I have been asking myself a lot of deep questions the past several months - along the vein of "Who am I really?" and "what do I want from this life of mine?". Also included in that is - why do I blog and is it a burden or a gift?
I began blogging back in 2006 because I thought it would be a great way to vent and I was trying to save money and not go to therapy as much. I'd love to be able to say that I started blogging because I wanted to help others but that simply wasn't true at that time. I did want to connect with people and I was buoyed often by other bloggers but I didn't consider myself to have anything to offer others at that time.
Considering I only made 3 posts in that first year (and the bill from therapy) my goal of venting and avoiding therapy didn't exactly work out. But I kept at it, though sporadically. I've wrestled with anonymity and what is for me to tell versus my children's personal information for years. I don't use our names and I try not to post pics that show their faces. And those first few years I did vent quite a bit about school and other issues that weighed heavily on me.
But now what do I want my blog to be about? People and circumstances change. I'm trying hard not to be angry with people and instead to believe (as I want people to believe about my son) that when people CAN do better they will do better. So I, for the most part, have not been using this space to vent about Social Workers and Crisis Workers and so on.
However, I want to write more. Writing has always been an outlet for me but lately it has felt like another pressure, another burden. So I decided to sit with that for a while. Why does it feel like a burden if no one is making me blog? Add to that hardly anyone reads it and it should feel burden free. It eventually came to me that I am still very much grappling with my anxiety and depression and everything feels like too much of an effort right now. So I have been getting up each day (when all I want to do is stay under the covers all day) and I make a small list of what to accomplish and for the most part I have been successful. But believe me when I say it takes every last bit of my will power to make it happen.
So I have fallen behind in my contract work, my housework, my personal work, my blogging -but perhaps by putting this out there it will compel me further to keep going.
I'd like to go back in time and post things from early on in the years with C and our struggles to get services and diagnosis. I'd like to post some of my journal entries so that perhaps other families who are feeling lost and alone will not feel so much so.
That's my plan.