The past few weeks have been difficult and stressful around our house. A great deal of that can be traced back to me - I've had less patience, have been holding on to the stress, I've felt ready to snap at any moment. There were times where I vividly imagined grabbing my passport and heading out the door. I even researched flights to various far away lands.
But alas - I am here. I am digging my way out.
C has been having a hard time of it. I don't believe my mood is completely responsible but I do know it has contributed. This is also historically his hardest time of year, right around Easter. We have never known why (though we have some working hypothesis) but we just know that we should prepare for huge mood swings at this time of year. I had hoped we might escape it now that we have the BiPolar diagnosis and he has been on meds for it for many months. But while the meds have certainly stopped us from hitting rock bottom there is a definite amount of mixed mania and depression hitting him, rapid cycling that is so rapid it leaves me shaking and completely exhausted afterward.
I've also had some very stressful meetings with Corbin's "team" over the past few weeks. His current plan is not working for him or for us and we have been trying to figure out how to change it. Its not easy. There are so many restrictions placed on us from varying Ministry bodies (that I cannot get into on this blog) but lets just say that I find it mind boggling at this point that it is not funding that is holding us back but rather trying to find approved service providers who can work with us and our son to create the life that he needs. I know I am being vague here - and I really wish I could write more. There have been things said and done to me (and our son) the past several months that would make your jaw drop.
But today I took a step - I called and gave notice to our current treatment centre that we will be phasing away from their services as soon as possible. We are meeting with another agency Monday to start brainstorming how to create what our son needs and from this agencies support over the past few weeks we are really optimistic and hopeful for this process. To be truthful I haven't felt those emotions in quite some time and it feels good to know that I do indeed have a range beyond panic, grief, anger, frustration and numb.
The sun is finally shining today, I had a relaxing lunch with my mom and my headache has finally gone away. Things are looking up.