Things are Looking Up

The past few weeks have been difficult and stressful around our house. A great deal of that can be traced back to me - I've had less patience, have been holding on to the stress, I've felt ready to snap at any moment. There were times where I vividly imagined grabbing my passport and heading out the door. I even researched flights to various far away lands.

But alas - I am here. I am digging my way out.

C has been having a hard time of it. I don't believe my mood is completely responsible but I do know it has contributed. This is also historically his hardest time of year, right around Easter. We have never known why (though we have some working hypothesis) but we just know that we should prepare for huge mood swings at this time of year. I had hoped we might escape it now that we have the BiPolar diagnosis and he has been on meds for it for many months. But while the meds have certainly stopped us from hitting rock bottom there is a definite amount of mixed mania and depression hitting him, rapid cycling that is so rapid it leaves me shaking and completely exhausted afterward.

I've also had some very stressful meetings with Corbin's "team" over the past few weeks. His current plan is not working for him or for us and we have been trying to figure out how to change it. Its not easy. There are so many restrictions placed on us from varying Ministry bodies (that I cannot get into on this blog) but lets just say that I find it mind boggling at this point that it is not funding that is holding us back but rather trying to find approved service providers who can work with us and our son to create the life that he needs.  I know I am being vague here - and I really wish I could write more. There have been things said and done to me (and our son) the past several months that would make your jaw drop.

But today I took a step - I called and gave notice to our current treatment centre that we will be phasing away from their services as soon as possible. We are meeting with another agency Monday to start brainstorming how to create what our son needs and from this agencies support over the past few weeks we are really optimistic and hopeful for this process. To be truthful I haven't felt those emotions in quite some time and it feels good to know that I do indeed have a range beyond panic, grief, anger, frustration and numb.

The sun is finally shining today, I had a relaxing lunch with my mom and my headache has finally gone away. Things are looking up.

To My Son

I hear you loud and clear

Life has upended on you

Upsetting voices invade your thoughts

Intrusive thoughts race through your brain

taunting, haunting, egging you on

I see that you are struggling

I see the torment in your eyes

I feel your desparation

I hear you

We are listening

We are working

We know you are wonderful and good

We know you need people on your side

people who see past the "behaviour"

We know you are tired

and overwhelmed

and we are trying not to be right along with you

We hear you. We see you

We are here

We aren't going anywhere

We can do this

In the Meantime

I'm working on a few posts but I need to be able to focus for a period of time and since C is in a dysregulated state that is not likely to happen soon. So, in the meantime, I did come across this broadcast about Juvenile BiPolar Disorder on the Coffee Klatch on blogtalkradio with Alissa Bronsteen Director of the Juvenile Bipolar Research Foundation and and Demitri Papolos author of The Bipolar Child . I found it really interesting (what I've been able to listen to so far) and several times found myself wondering if someone had shared our son's file with them.

I thought perhaps other's might be interested so here it is.

Alissa Bronsteen Dr Demitri Papolos - Child Bipolar 11/21/2010 - The Coffee Klatch | Internet Radio | Blog Talk Radio